Yesterday was a heartbreaking day to say the least. I was taken to two Baby Houses In Almaty. I am going to be honest here so please understand. There is a reason that this blog is private so that I can be honest. I am probably not even supposed to be talking about some of this......we went to the first BH and there was two of my team members, the director and myself. The carried in this little girl and placed her on the desk in front of me.....Oh is she for me to meet? I didn't know. She was sweet and they showed me her one hand, she had a missing fingertip and one finger looked a little odd...not so bad...then they showed me her other hand which was pretty badly mangled with no fingers. She also had no toes and would need prosthetics and surgeries. The second adorable boy was blind and couldn't hardly open his eyes. I told them that these issues were too big for me to handle. We went to the 2nd BH....they brought in 3 toddlers, about 4 years old. One had Downs Syndrome and was a little angel, the other a very small head and appeared to have FAS and blind in one eye, the third a boy with violent tendencies. There you have it. I couldn't help but cry for these little ones and myself. I know my limitations and these children had more problems that I couldn't fix.
Today we went back to see a little 11 mo old girl who had been sleeping. She is adorable. She is very tiny but seems like she is in proportion, head to body. I hate that we had to discuss this little cutie like we were buying a new purse. She may have been exposed to alcohol and was very tiny at her full term birth. She has a lazy eye. Personality wise she was a doll. Looks.... adorable, she is maybe Russian and Kazakh) She grabbed the teether I handed her and put it in her mouth. She smiled at us and reacted to her name. Very sweet. We hope to meet with her again on Monday when the Doctor/ Director is back in the office. They have a file on her with all her measurements since she was nine days old. She is delayed in that she doesn't sit yet, or pull herself up or stand. When I held her she supported herself easily. We will take her to the International clinic on Monday or Tuesday with the permission of the Director.
We are also waiting to hear more on the little 20 mo old boy that I came here to meet. Kaz doesn't have referrals but usually has a child in mind for you to meet. I don't know anything about him other then his age and that he is Kazakh. Ironically his mother (16) showed up, for the first time, just before he was eligible for International Adoption. What are the odds?? Oh... we are talking about me so not so surprising! She, the BM had a meeting with the Dept of Education today, they were going to ask her again to sign away her rights for the little guy since she has no permanent job or home and has only visited him once in 20 months. If she does, then I will have a chance to meet him. A big If.
So...the days are so long here...it is a beautiful city, reminds me much of Lima Peru. Nice cars, designer shops and right next to that a shack. The people are very beautiful and so nice. It's very nice weather in the morning and gets warmer as the day goes by. No A/C in most places....except my room where it is crankin'! i really like it here but it is a little lonely. I have always been able to entertain myself but I have too much time to think here. Tonight another single girl and her sister come in from Massachusetts and they will be just a room or two away. As of now, If I don't get to meet the little boy, then I will have off until Monday. I met a very nice French couple on the flight from AMS to ALA who are adopting from Karakasek and I hope to meet them for dinner maybe tomorrow. He is a doctor and they have a friend who is a doctor at the international clinic that they are going to try to introduce me too to help me with the little girl.
This is very hard for me because I am a person who thinks with my heart. I am having to be a little more "smart" then I tend to be. This is forever. If I can meet the little boy then maybe I can say for sure if he is the one. The little girl is precious too but I need to be fully informed about her developmental delays. I believe that LOVE can conquer so much but I need to make sure her delays are mostly from being institutionalized and not from more serious issues.
Thanks for letting me put this out there. You don't see it on blogs much but for the next person, I'd like to be honest. I can tell you that I have already grown more as a person in the last couple days then I have in the past 48 years. My rose colored glasses have been thrown in the trash. Somehow I hoped this would be easier.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
LIsa
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post. Sometimes honesty can be scary but you're doing a noble thing by laying it all out there. I am so happy that you know your limitations, as I think sometimes they hope/pray we only use our hearts and not our brains when it comes to making a very important, life changing decision. You will find Sam whether it is a boy or girl, and staying in Kaz and pushing forward is a very smart thing to do. So happy you will have some company soon, that will definitely help.
Hugs,
Sandi
Oh Lisa, I love your honesty. Meeting those children that won't be yours and probably will never get to be someone else's because of their needs is one of the more heartbreaking things in life.
ReplyDeleteYou really seem to have a great balance between heart and head going on. Very inspiring!
I'm so happy you are enjoying your time so far, and that there are people who you'll get to hang out with.
And although it sounds like you're not afraid of institutional delays (which is great), just one more success story to share- my son Gavriel came home at 12 months old and could barely sit up on his own, and couldn't support his head all that well. He was walking by 15 months and running by 16! For what it's worth, I think you are very wise to be looking not at the instituional delays, but beyond them though to see if there is anything else there.
Can't wait to hear if Sam is a boy or a girl!
I think this is an honest, heartfelt, and very realistic entry. I appreciate your candor and understand what a tough dilemma you face. I will talk to you privately as well, but I wanted to let you know that we support and understand you. Only you know what is right for you. Use your mind, but keep your heart open. You will make the right decision. I know that, whatever that is for you... it will be right. We love you. Andrea & Anelya
ReplyDeleteLisa-- I'm sorry that this process continues to have so many curves in it for you, but this is going to be one very lucky child who find his/her way into your home!
ReplyDeleteI remember those days at BH #1...Wow! Good for you for trying to sort out institutional vs. more serious issues. I think sometimes they just don't really know what is going on with these kids! Madina was 12# at 10 months and also not sitting or pulling up...it took her until 13 months to conquer independent sitting, crawling at 15, and walking at 16. That first year was tough physically and emotionally...it really was like having a 3 mos. old.
I'm so glad that you will soon have more company, it can be so helpful to have folks to talk over things with. I must say, you're doing an amazing job of keeping all of the balls up in the air!
Looking forward to hearing more soon! Also, may want to post your contact info. on the big Kaz list...that way you'll know if anyone might be in town at the end of their process---dinner companions/connections might help break the monotony.
It's too bad that we have to worry about somehow being punished for being honest about a process that has so many inexplicable turns and twists. Hopefully it brings you some peace to be able to "journal" about the events to date via your private blog (smart to go that way!), and to know that so many of us have empathy and understanding. I have a heavy heart for you now, Lisa, but I also know that you are amazingly strong, have conquered the world multiple-times over, and you will figure out what is best for you and your future. We'll be sending support at every turn.
ReplyDeleteLisa, I think you know that I'm a pediatric optometrist and work with kids with "lazy eyes" all the time. I work with 3 ophthalmologists who do surgery to correct eyes that cross or drift. If you have ANY eye-related questions, please feel free to ask me. If I don't know the answer, I can ask someone who will. I'm going to email you my cell phone number too.
ReplyDeleteHang in there...I believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you!
Rose
LIsa--I am sorry this is so tough but I am amazed at your strength. YOu are opening your heart and using your head at the same time you are being realistic--what a great combination. I think it is great you are able to share the truth and I hope it helps you to process it by journaling and getting feedback.
ReplyDeleteYou are so smart and strong--I have every confidence that you will make the right choice for you and if one of these kiddos is meant to be Sam--they will be a very lucky kiddo to have you as a mother.
Hugs to you.
Mary
Hi Lisa,
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful heartfelt post. Thank you so much for opening yourself up so honestly. Never forget that even though your journey to find Sam is a little tougher then most, it is still hard for everyone. Sad to say but most people just do not share the struggles openly. Even when it looks like everything is perfect from the outside almost ALL these children have issues in some way or another. Henry did not like to be held at all and although he smiled at the drop of a dime he was emotionally a mess. To think a 9 month old could be an emotional mess already at such a young age, it was true he was. BUT, to the outside world Henry seemed the ideal adoption story. He was sitting, pulling up and crawling like a pro and played great with toys and smiled non stop. I could tell right away he was use to taking care of himself and it was going to take a lot of work to break down his protective wall and reach deep within his soul. What I did not know is that is was going to take a LONG time to peel one layer at a time. It seemed from all the other blogs I was reading at the time, all the children were coming home and within a few weeks of one on one care and lots of love they bloomed very quickly. Well, with Henry it took a good year before I felt like his guard was completely down. It to a ton of work and for me to always remember to parent him differently then a typical child born to you. The other thing I tried to remember was that his life did not start till he came home and that was at 9 months old. The wonderful news is all the hard work paid off ten folds and more. Henry has been home 2 1/2 years now and is just an amazing little boy. I hope oneday you get to meet him and I can not wait to me your Sam!!!
Sorry I have written you a book... lol Thinking of you and praying G_D places your Sam in your arms soon. What a lucky little boy/girl they will be to have such a wonderful and understanding mommy.
Much love to you,
Carolyn
Hello Lisa,
ReplyDeleteKazakhstan with jetlag and big emotional decisions to make plus isolation, can be daunting. You are being very rational under difficult circumstances.
My daughter (adopted at 4) had an alcoholic mother, was born premature and small, and had a cross-eye. So far, her brain appears to be functioning normally (aged 5) and her cross-eye has been corrected with wearing glasses. However, as you know, it's all just an educated gamble.
You are doing a great job of waiting, networking and gathering as much info as possible. GL.
Hey Lisa ~ Great post, I have a strong feeling it will work out for you in Kaz, and I am proud of you for keeping it together thus far and thinking logically, which is hard to do when you heart gets involved. Hannah is almost 11 mos now, it would be cool to have kiddos the same age!! Keep on keepin on girlie, know that we are thinking about you!! ~Erin and Hannah
ReplyDeleteLisa, everyone above couldn't have said it better! We agree with all of them and are confident that Sam will be with you soon! Please know that we will continue praying for you! Thank you for being so open and honest! Blessings to you!
ReplyDeleteLisa - I finally got to read this - and it is bit scary to think about what you are dealing with - i would just say that Grace was in a foster home w/ a lovely foster mother and at 8 1/2 months she could not sit up - In fact one time i remeber going to the grocery store and put her in the kiddy seat part of the cart and she just leaned to one side,,i had pillows around her until at least one more month - did not crawl until 15 mos and walk until 18 mos and is the most athletic and smartest girl you would ever meet at 7
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that your journey hasn't been easier. I believe there is a purpose for everything so hang in there.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the delays....Kobe was 14 months old when we first met him. He could sit up but would topple over after a few minutes. He wasn't saying any words or crawling. He would just kinda roll. We could see a big difference by the end of our bonding period. Every day we spent with him, he got a little stronger. I think one of the most important things is that they respond/interact with you.
Can't wait to hear more :)
Wow this reminds me so much of our Kaz adoption. It is great that you know your limitations and it was very hard for us to say no to a few of the children we were seen. It is hard but you know what is best and the last thing you want is to adopt a child under the "wrong" circumstances, if that makes sense. I will continue to pray for you and can't wait until you know who Sam is! Lots of hugs!
ReplyDeleteOh, everything seems so hard in this process. One step forward, two steps back. You are so inspiring with your will to continue. Keep the faith and press on at all times. My thoughts are with you as always.
ReplyDeleteLisa, hugs to you. I can't imagine all of the emotions you're feeling. I do hope you have clarity soon, as I know you're strong enough to make it through any challenge as soon as you know your options. I'm traveling now, so I've got to run, but please do know I'm thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers. Susan
ReplyDeleteI also agree with everything that everyone has said... :) Love, hugs, and TONS of prayers coming your way girl... and for all those babies you mentioned..as well as Stella and Sam!! :) Love ya!
ReplyDeleteLIsa i am so happy for you and proud to know you for the honesty you shared. Surely in Kaz we see a part of life we might never have before ... but listening to your head and heart is what will and has led you to the child meant for you. For what it is worth, my bio daughter had no core muscle strength at 11 months and could not get to a sitting position on her own unless i put her there. She did not crawl until 13 months, walk until 19 months ... but she is fine now thanks to early intervention and physical therapy! these things can be overcome!!
ReplyDelete